Roo

[Jellyblush]

It has been a difficult time here. No thump thump thump of a tail as I wake up. No little paws padding down the hall to see what's what. No toy dropped at the side of my bed. No cold wet nose pressed against my cheek.

Nothing to pack up work and head home for. No-one excited to see me when I arrive. No furry little body weaving around my legs. No reason to go for a walk, just a pink lead hanging by the front door and haunting me. No purring noise of excitement. No excited jumping. Just silence and a very big house.

I miss my friend.

[ESCS]

Jelly, I have not spoken in this thread until now as I just couldn't think of what to say during such a heartbreaking time. I just want to say that there's nothing to forgive. You not only made a difficult decision in Roo's best interest but you made that decision from love. So different from perhaps someone making the decision to PTS because they didn't care. She's so lucky to have someone who obviously loved her so much. It's what every dog deserves but doesn't always get. I was riddled with guilt too when I made the decision to PTS my 16 year old cat when she had end stage renal failure. I was with her to the end. I also felt that she was frightened as she did not react well to the sedation. It takes time to come to terms with a great loss especially when it's been traumatic but I hope that in time you will find peace in knowing she was a wonderful dog and you are a wonderful person.

[hankdog]

Oh Jelly, I can hear the big gap in your world. I can't think of anything but time that will help. Big virtual hug.

[mochi]

Oh Snook, you've said exactly what I wanted to write but got too teary rereading Jelly's post and had to close the window. No guilt or forgiveness needed, Jelly. There's just so much love between the two of you. So sorry for your loss x

[persephone]

jelly .. apart from that initial fright ... when Roo was sedated ..she would have been sleepy & fuzzy - she was so pleased to know you were back - and with peanut butter .. and her tongue knew it was happy ;) ..Don't feel guilty .. you were there , she was home .

When one has shared space with a pet ..especially a pet who has needed extra care /training ..the space that pet leaves is a very quiet and cold one .

You do listen for those footsteps , the feel of that fur ..and the little "I love you" noises ...

I can understand some of your pain & emptiness ...and , like everyone else , all I can do is send thoughts ....

I will also suggest that you abolish the vacuum in the house with a living presence - maybe a fish, or a chirpy canary ? Something little,living under your roof changes that horrible emptiness, and gives your spirit something to smile at ..despite the scars .

[Jellyblush]

Thank you Perse. You have always been able to say exactly the right thing.

[bianca.a]

Oh Jelly, I can barely see my screen through the tears. I wish there was a magic button to press and you could feel better but as you know with great love, comes the great loss. I also wish I was better with words but Roo will always be with you and your huge sacrifice made her better. Sending so many huge gentle supportive hugs and thoughts to you xo

[Little Gifts]

I've watched and read your thread, always through tears and I don't think I've posted before now because what is there to say? Dogs love us unconditionally and you know, if you were terminally ill and in great pain your dog would (if she could) end it for you and bear the loss and sadness that went with that life changing decision. You did for Roo what she would've selflessly done for you if it was needed. There is no greater sacrifice, no greater declaration of acceptance and love than that.

I know it is not the same but for quite a while my life and this household revolved around the needs of my almost 17 year old SBT. It took me months after we had her pts to settle into a new routine without thinking. A great burden of care was lifted but there was a hole left behind. It was almost 12 months before I was able to go back to thinking about having another dog in the house (back to fostering) and once I made the decision I had the most unsettling dream involving my old girl and both of us dying. I still can't bear to analyse it and work out what it means as it was the last time I got to see her and I still can't move on from that part of it. It is now over two years since she has gone but there are reminders of her in pretty much every room in this house. I'm happy with it like this and would probably hyperventilate if anything was moved or went missing. In effect she is still in my life everyday this way. I will never know if I ended her time a little too early but I know for an absolute fact that if I had ended it too late, with her suffering needlessly and me not being there to help, then I would never, ever have forgiven myself. You could be the same - you had to make a decision to save Roo from something unknown in her future that may have been far worse. Don't beat yourself up (too much) for making that sacrifice.

XXX

[Jellyblush]

Thank you. I feel better today in no small part due to your collective wisdom. I know you have been here before and it is soothing. I won't find the 'it's only a dog' incredulous looks here x

[Loving my Oldies]

Yes, the love will always be there.

You have such a stunning photographic record, Jelly.

[teekay]

Fabulous photos Jelly. I'm so glad you have a fantastic record of Roo's time here. There will come a time when you can look at them with more smiles and less tears

Hugs to you

[tikira]

Jelly

I too have followed your sad journey with Roo, and know that you did more for your girl than most people could even think of, and Roo knew and appreciated that.

Guilt is a very natural emotion in your situation, I know that feeling, my boy died in the back seat of my car while I was rushing him to the vet, I feel guilty I was not holding him, and comforting him in his last few minutes, it is a dreadful emotion and still haunts me.

The best thing about DOL is that we all understand, and you will never have to hear someone saying "get over it , it's just a dog" here. They are so much more than that, so, so much more. I feel sorry for anyone who has not felt such unconditional love- we are the blessed ones.

Take care of yourself during this awful time.

This is one of my favourite poems, and after seven months I know that my boy is still with me, and that does comfort me.

Di

I'm Still Here

Friend, please don't mourn for me

I'm still here, though you don't see.

I'm right by your side each night and day

and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.

I'm everything you feel, see or hear.

My spirit is free, but I'll never depart

as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-

I'm the brightest star on a summer night.

I'll never be beyond your reach-

I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colourful leaves when autumn comes around

and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.

I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,

The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,

The first warm raindrop that September will bring.

I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,

and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,

you can talk to me through the Lord above you.

I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,

and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep

and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.

I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.

Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!

Author Unknown

[Chocolatelover]

Big hugs to you Jelly xx

While it won't seem possible now, the ache in your heart and the feeling you get when you wake up and realise it's not a dream does get better with time. And your memories of Roo will bring a smile to your face instead of tears.

And no matter what regrets you may have, just know that Roo was a lucky dog to have you. Some dogs will never have their love and loyalty returned to them like she did.

Thinking of you and Roo xx