Please Offer Some Advice

[lucknow]

I'm sorry for your situation but also a little conused.

I understand you are worried about affording or even finding suitable accommodation for you and the dogs together and that you dont have the time available to care for them as they deserve. You're worried about the ability to rehome the older dog and the effect it would have on both of them if it were to happen, but you have also said you dont think your husband wants to leave either the house or the dogs. Surely if he wants to stay and keep the dogs and is capable of caring for them that would be the best thing for them?

I know it is not something you want to do but isnt it better than rehoming them?

Sometimes being a pet owner means making the hard choices for their sake rather than for ourselves.

I believe the husband can't afford the rent?

IT is hard to make good decisions when you're stressed. I suggest following PF's advice and sitting down with the ex and going through a plan. Maybe use a mediator/counsellor from Relationships Australia? You wouldn't be going to counselling to stay together, but to minimise the fall-out from the break-up. I know many people who have done this and it has really helped them come to a satisfactory arrangement for both parties.

IF everything goes to sh*t, you can always contact PACERS (Steve on this forum, who is really a woman named Julie) to see if they can help you work something out.

Good luck. Relationship breakdowns are hard enough with out all the crap that goes with them!

Husband cannot afford the rent on his own but he can get someone in to share and help with the bills, same as has been suggested for the OP - which she said wouldnt work as she doesnt have time to for the dogs for various reasons.

If there is a viable way to avoid rehoming them it is better than the alternative.

I agree actually sitting down and discussing the situation (as unpalatable as that can be when in the midst of a breakup) preferably with a trained mediator would at least help to come to an arrangement. I'm not certain of the legalities for every situation but when I went through my marriage breakup we had to attend mediation prior to property settlement (it may have been different as children were involved but we weren't seeking parenting orders). No reason the family pets cant be included in the mediation process - they were in mine.

[Leelaa17]

Thanks for your replies guys

I'm in Brisbane, QLD

It is a horrible situation, feels like a no win whatever I do.

There is nowhere the dogs can stay temporarily, no friends / family who could take them.

The difficulty is, neither of us want to leave the house or the dogs. I honestly don't know if he'll go. Trouble is, if he did go I don't know how I'll cope with the dogs as well. I'm up at 5.15am and don't get home till 6.30pm if lucky, any time left over I'm studying two diploma's (approx 15-20 hours per week). Thats not even including cooking (I am waiting for surgery meaning I cannot eat anything processed so all is cooked from scratch), cleaning, washing, gym, family ./ friends etc. I feel so overwhelmed, I just don't think I could give them enough attention?

The last thing I want is to neglect them in anyway.

I havent read the rest of this post but I am going to reply to this post.

First of all, I am so so sorry to hear that this has happened. What a horrible and very hard time for you.

Please try not to overwhelm yourself. A similar situation has happened to me and I got so overwhelmed with everything and I got extremely stressed and my health went downhill.

What you need to do is you need to remember that you need to put all of this stuff in perspective. First of al - a lot of us work long hours like this, your two babies will entertain themselves until you get home. And it sucks to hear that you have to cook everything from scratch, but what you can consider doing is maybe doing the washing while you are cooking, and when you are waiting for something maybe do some cleaning while waiting.

MAYBE (I don't know you're situation) but maybe instead of going to the gym you could walk your younger dog around the block a few times and then come home and paysome attention to your older one while waiting for things to cook...

There are a lot of ways you can get around your situation... it really isn't as bad as you think. You are just overwhelmed with everything and all of these things that you want to do and they are all coming into your head as different things, but there are ways you can give yourself more free time.

And as for family friends, maybe when you go see family or something you could take the dogs (if the family doesnt mind)... and if you go to see friends then maybe you could go somewhere that is dog friendly or go to a park and have a picnic (you obviously don't need to do this all the time but every now and again if you feel you haven't spent enough time with them)...

There are always ways around these things.

You can make it work, you just need to do a little bit of planning.

This is just my opinion - these are things that I try and do to spend as much time with my babies as I can.

Hope it all works out for the best.

[Erny]

IF everything goes to sh*t, you can always contact PACERS (Steve on this forum, who is really a woman named Julie) to see if they can help you work something out.

I think (stand to be corrected) that the point of MDBA Pacers was meant to be to assist members. I know its been going out on a limb (because they are an absolute kind hearted bunch) to help even those that aren't, but money doesn't grow on trees for them either and they rely much on memberships and renewals.

To the OP - I don't know the answer to your dilemma as no foreseeable solution is suitable. Only you know what you could ultimately give up .... maybe even applying for deferment from your course on the basis of financial and emotional hardship. Or let it lapse .

ETA: If you're able to find suitable accommodation (whether that be a smaller but cheaper place and/or a share situation) you might be able to arrange to pay for someone to walk your dogs once every other day or so. I'm not sure what would be in the area you would be living in but I think younger (Uni?) students sometimes do this at a cheaper price.

Edited May 12, 2011 by Erny

[Diva]

[i think (stand to be corrected) that the point of MDBA Pacers was meant to be to assist members.

Odd, I had the opposite impression - that their help was never intended to be just for members.

[Erny]

[i think (stand to be corrected) that the point of MDBA Pacers was meant to be to assist members.

Odd, I had the opposite impression - that their help was never intended to be just for members.

Ok - need Steve to clarify.

[Steve]

Pacers is a charity and helps any domestic animal onwer who needs help to keep their pets.

What we do is not in anyway restricted to members.

Anyone can apply for assistance via filling out an application form via our website www.mdbapacers.org.au

Julie

[Erny]

Thank you for clarifying. I obviously remembered incorrectly.

Good on MDBA Pacers

[Dog_Horse_Girl]

Thanks for your replies guys

I'm in Brisbane, QLD

It is a horrible situation, feels like a no win whatever I do.

There is nowhere the dogs can stay temporarily, no friends / family who could take them.

The difficulty is, neither of us want to leave the house or the dogs. I honestly don't know if he'll go. Trouble is, if he did go I don't know how I'll cope with the dogs as well. I'm up at 5.15am and don't get home till 6.30pm if lucky, any time left over I'm studying two diploma's (approx 15-20 hours per week). Thats not even including cooking (I am waiting for surgery meaning I cannot eat anything processed so all is cooked from scratch), cleaning, washing, gym, family ./ friends etc. I feel so overwhelmed, I just don't think I could give them enough attention?

The last thing I want is to neglect them in anyway.

Stop going to gym and defer one of the diplomas.

If you cannot do that for your dogs and you are unwilling to rent a budget-priced property or get somebody in to share with you, then perhaps rehome the young dog and have the old one put to sleep if you can't rehome it.

I can't just stop going to the gym, as I said, waiting for surgery and its vital I keep the fitness. It's not a case of I could just go walking, I have to do the strength training for my health.

Unfortunately, I cannot defer a Diploma either. It's a 12mth online cut off.

I am more than willing to rent a budget priced property, I'd sleep in a shed if I had to,, but the most budget priced house (to allow dogs) you would find in brissy is around $250pw and there are very few and far between let alone whether they allow dogs. I don't earn enough to be able to afford that. I would love to get someone in to share with me, but again, as I said, I'm not sure ex will leave.

I would rather stay miserable myself than have Jessie put to sleep.

I will contact you privately on the weekend. But I wanted to say that there are always ways of managing no matter what.

I am renting in Caboolture with two dogs and I'm on my own. My rent is affordable at $265 pw so you can find houses for that rent if you're willing to commute. My work hours are changeable from one week to the next (I work shifts between 7am and 7pm and some weekends). My greyhound is 11 yrs old, my other dog is 7. I also had a third dog who has now gone back to my STBE husband because I couldn't rent with all three. They cope fine with my long and changeable work hours and their needs are paramount to me.

I don't earn brilliant money either. But it's enough.

I manage cooking by:

slow cooker (great as you can freeze meals); stir fries (quick and easy plus healthy); salads and soups (fresh salad is great even when it's cold and who can go past home-cooked veg soup?).

I joined a gym last week and the membership is $56 per month, which works out to about $12 pw. If you need to do strength training, why not go to Big W/Kmart/Target and buy weights, plus whatever else you need from somewhere like Amart All sports? The prices are reasonable.

[Keira&Phoenix]

Thanks for your replies guys

I'm in Brisbane, QLD

It is a horrible situation, feels like a no win whatever I do.

There is nowhere the dogs can stay temporarily, no friends / family who could take them.

The difficulty is, neither of us want to leave the house or the dogs. I honestly don't know if he'll go. Trouble is, if he did go I don't know how I'll cope with the dogs as well. I'm up at 5.15am and don't get home till 6.30pm if lucky, any time left over I'm studying two diploma's (approx 15-20 hours per week). Thats not even including cooking (I am waiting for surgery meaning I cannot eat anything processed so all is cooked from scratch), cleaning, washing, gym, family ./ friends etc. I feel so overwhelmed, I just don't think I could give them enough attention?

The last thing I want is to neglect them in anyway.

Stop going to gym and defer one of the diplomas.

If you cannot do that for your dogs and you are unwilling to rent a budget-priced property or get somebody in to share with you, then perhaps rehome the young dog and have the old one put to sleep if you can't rehome it.

I can't just stop going to the gym, as I said, waiting for surgery and its vital I keep the fitness. It's not a case of I could just go walking, I have to do the strength training for my health.

Unfortunately, I cannot defer a Diploma either. It's a 12mth online cut off.

I am more than willing to rent a budget priced property, I'd sleep in a shed if I had to,, but the most budget priced house (to allow dogs) you would find in brissy is around $250pw and there are very few and far between let alone whether they allow dogs. I don't earn enough to be able to afford that. I would love to get someone in to share with me, but again, as I said, I'm not sure ex will leave.

I would rather stay miserable myself than have Jessie put to sleep.

I will contact you privately on the weekend. But I wanted to say that there are always ways of managing no matter what.

I am renting in Caboolture with two dogs and I'm on my own. My rent is affordable at $265 pw so you can find houses for that rent if you're willing to commute. My work hours are changeable from one week to the next (I work shifts between 7am and 7pm and some weekends). My greyhound is 11 yrs old, my other dog is 7. I also had a third dog who has now gone back to my STBE husband because I couldn't rent with all three. They cope fine with my long and changeable work hours and their needs are paramount to me.

I don't earn brilliant money either. But it's enough.

I manage cooking by:

slow cooker (great as you can freeze meals); stir fries (quick and easy plus healthy); salads and soups (fresh salad is great even when it's cold and who can go past home-cooked veg soup?).

I joined a gym last week and the membership is $56 per month, which works out to about $12 pw. If you need to do strength training, why not go to Big W/Kmart/Target and buy weights, plus whatever else you need from somewhere like Amart All sports? The prices are reasonable.

Good advice

[MonElite]

So the ex doesnt want the dogs?

[westiemum]

Firstly, big hugs as I too have been there and done that - I didn't have a job at the time, a husband who was sleeping with my best friend and had two cats - and no way was I giving them up - I'd live on lentils and rice and hell would freeze over before that happened. But I did it differently. I finally moved across the country for work, found pet friendly accomodation, retrieved my cats from relatives, worked an over full-time job, they entertained themselves during the day with the retired neighbours, came home at night and we all genuinely lived happily ever after.

But as another poster has said, I'm sensing that you have decided to give up your dogs. So the best thing for them is to go with your husband if at all possible, unless you can rearrange your lifestyle, even temporarily to accomodate them. After that its rehoming. I don't wish to sound harsh but killing them should not be an option for a well-informed DOLer. And you certainly are that.

And as someone else said without wanting to be too personal, mediation can be very useful at this point in developing solutions. We used a psychologist rather than a solicitor to mediate our settlement, and apart from the cost savings it was a much less hurtful way of doing it for both of us. (Once we agreed we then had a solicitor write it up, another solicitor check it and then it was lodged with the family court). I really think this is your starting point with a possible aim of you finding a way to help your husband to keep the dogs. Assuming they were a joint responsibility, I don't think its any different to kids - the 'non-custodial' parent should still help out.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you all.

So the ex doesnt want the dogs?

Edited May 14, 2011 by westiemum

[Staffyluv]

I will commit the ultimate DOL sin and say, I have not read the other responses...

Firstly I am very sorry to hear you think you have to rehome your dogs (and for the relationship breakdown, they are rarely easy) - what a very hard decision to make for all concerned...

Is there any way you could stay where you are and get in someone to share with you - this would reduce your costs and it might be a way to keep you and the dogs together.

I hope it all works out for you and the dogs