Erny Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 DBS .... I couldn't have put it better myself. That's exactly what the feeling is. I think the serenity comes from acceptance. I am hoping that Kal finds the absolute tranquility she deserves in the most serene of ways. I am watchful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shekhina Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 I am hoping that Kal finds the absolute tranquility she deserves in the most serene of ways. I am watchful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pampa Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Ern, I havn't even signed in for a week but I see you haven't updated... How are you both ?... DBS, the above is a magnificent post. If the lovely Miss Sophies rose bush is still flowering, next time you pass by it, take a long deep sniff for me. I love roses and they hold a very special meaning for me... How are your babies going Helen, you are so discrete, if we don't ask, you don't tell.... Please update Lucindas thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erny Posted July 15, 2006 Author Share Posted July 15, 2006 (edited) Kal is still with me. I'm sorry .... I will post here properly, soon. Edited July 15, 2006 by Erny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staffyluv Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Hugs to your and the adorable Kal, Erny... Have been thinking of you a lot... Jodie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mooper Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Thinking of you and Kal, Erny ... post when you're ready Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erny Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 (edited) Ok .... here I am. And in a stronger frame of mind to be able to post coherently (I think ). The last week has seen Kal deteriorate, but not without its little ups and downs. It's just that each of the "ups" were in a lesser form, and less frequent. And the "downs" were stronger, and more prevalent. Last Monday, I withdrew Kal from the Bromapex (Potassium Bromide) as I was not the least happy with the bouts of straining diarrhea it gave her. It was a case of the "cure being worse than the cold". Instead, after consult with her Vet, I increased her Phenobarb doseage by a further half tablet. I had ceased the Rimadyl, as I felt that, too, was contributing towards stomach irritation. "Cure worse than the cold", again. Although I got a course of antibiotics from the Vet (this was for the discharge from her nose) I have refrained from administering them, as, although the nose is still discharging blood, the mucous discharge is clear and does not appear to be bacterial. Over that last week or so, it had not gone unnoticed by me that I couldn't "see" Kal anymore, or if I did, then not much and only glimpses of her. I could barely get her to raise a tail wag, if at all, even for food. She still loved her food - but it seemed to me that it was more a case of her being driven to eat by this disease that she has, rather than eating for the sheer love and enjoyment of it. Over the last week, I forced myself to accept that I would be required to intervene, even though I had hoped and prayed that Kal would make that decision and take her 'wings' and fly, of her own doing. Come last Thursday, I made the first tentative step towards arranging Kal's final gift and gathered pamphlets relating to crematorium services. I also visited a local Vet with a view to him agreeing to make the home visit when necessary. Thursday night was not a good one for me, or for Kal. Come Friday, things were no better and possibly worse (laboured breathing; weakness; general lacklustre; tiny head tapping seizures; general overall weariness etc.). I took the dreaded and horrible step of arranging the Vet and Crematorium services. What I hated, and continue to hate, the most is the seeming necessity to give them 'notice' (especially the crematorium services, who made it clear they were very busy and explained why it was so difficult to respond spontaneously). I understand 'business', but it all felt so cold and calculating to set a date ahead of time for such a personal thing and knowing that I don't have a crystal ball and what if it simply turned out to be the 'wrong' time. I spent that day and all of the next churning these thoughts around in my mind, terrified that I was wrong. During the course of Saturday, Kal had 2 or 3 episodes that I could only best describe as "fainting" spells ... not a completely accurate description, but basically it was the loss of any leg strength, and she would stand, then shake (you could see this only if you were looking at the right time and didn't blink) and then her legs would give way. I was there to stop the fall and pick her up each time. It lasted only for a moment on each occasion, but it left her very weak and with very little control when she would go to settle on her mat or bed. She would pretty much fall down before she'd even had a chance to place her legs comfortably. Saturday night, a lovely person by the name of Dani Simmonds, who is a Holistic Therapist, visited us. I had only telephoned Dani on Friday and although she is theoretically booked out until August and was sporting a dreadful bronchial cold, made her way clear to driving out to us from Sunbury (over to me in the South Eastern Suburbs). Dani spent some time with Kal and with me. Although there is nothing she can do for Kal medically speaking, she did leave me with some holistic drops for Kal .... simply to make her "feel" better in herself. Her presence and discussion with me (we chatted generally as well as specifically) was something that has helped me. Today I spent tearing myself apart. Going through periods of uncontrollable grief, to periods of strength that I needed to gather together whenever Kal was present, or whenever I was in her presence. I was so torn over what I am facing and whether it was right .... or heaven forbid, whether it was wrong. It has been gut and heart wrenching. The feeling I had was akin to serious soul searching - don't know if any of you reading have ever done that before, but it can be like as if you are ripping your insides out and putting them back in some 'better' order. Very tough ordeal, although a very healing one when you come out the other end of the tunnel. Anyway ... back to the story ..... Over the course of today, Kal has been a little better. She has some strength returned in her legs - not a lot, but enough to get her around and retain some control. She even went to the toilet at her old spot (where she negotiates 2 steps to get there). In the last few weeks, she's been going to another patch of grass (where, in days of old, I never used to let her go - she burns the grass like wildfire .... naturally, that is now a very insignificant thing) ... so it's become a bit of a "well-being thermometer" for me. If she's feeling low, she goes to the nearest grass patch. If she's feeling stronger, she goes to the back lawn area. Sure - she's still slept a lot, but not as much as she has been. And the sleep she has had seems to have been a better quality sleep with outer-eyelids closed, rather than simply the third eyelid shut with drug inducement. She has spent more wakeful time, and has strolled around (not a lot mind, but more than has occurred in the last week). I feed her lots of small meals, and am giving her bones more frequently than ever before. She's had two (marrow bones) today. She's had a wonderful time between meals, sleeping, waking and bones. We tottered over the road for a little 5 minute walk down the lane and back. This was all she could manage and she was relieved to be home. But it gave her a change of scenery and a chance to sniff at least a small part of her environment. The "Kal" that I know was showing in her eyes today, and her tail has wagged on a number of occasions in response to certain things that I said to her through the course of the day. Kal's appointment with the angels is scheduled for tomorrow morning. But I have concluded this: I will cancel this arrangement if I am in any doubt whatsoever that Kal is not ready to leave. I will re-arrange the appointment at the drop of a hat and spontaneously when that becomes necessary, assuming Kal does not elect to make the decision herself. I don't give a hang if the crematorium people cannot fit in with me, and I'll bl#@dy well dig a hole myself if that is what I need to do. This is where I am at now. Strength and resolve to do what is right WHEN it is right - not before and not after, regardless of the expressed necessity to fit in with businesses in the related industries. If the Vet I have spoken to (who has been very nice and not unhelpful) is not available (eg after hours) I will call the emergency centre and hopefully talk them around to doing a home visit. I haven't re-read my post before hitting the 'submit' button. I hope it doesn't sound morbid. It's not meant to, and it is not from where my words come. I thank everyone for your thoughts. I get the feeling you all know we are coming to the end of our story and in your short words and wishes, felt the strength you were sending me. I cannot tell you enough of my appreciation. I will post again - it might be before Kal's 'time' is up, it might be after. But I will share with you her passing and believe that, although I will be incredibly sad and will miss my girl more than words will ever be able to describe, it will be a blessing because it will be at the right time for her. I finish this post by expressing how humbled I am for everything Kal has ever taught me both on a mental and 'self' level. She is one very special dog and if I ever say here on DOL that I am unlucky by nature, would you please remind me that I had one very exquisite and priceless gift land on my doorstep one day (figuratively speaking, but only just) and that to 'land' such a treasure renders me the luckiest person alive. Edited July 16, 2006 by Erny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InspectorRex Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 You know my phome numvers if you need to cry with someone tomorrow. Colleen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allerzeit Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 I finish this post by expressing how humbled I am for everything Kal has ever taught me both on a mental and 'self' level. She is one very special dog and if I ever say here on DOL that I am unlucky by nature, would you please remind me that I had one very exquisite and priceless gift land on my doorstep one day (figuratively speaking, but only just) and that to 'land' such a treasure renders me the luckiest person alive. And so wise that you are able to recognise the treasure that Kal is, and always will be. Hon, I will be thinking you you and darling Kal even moreso than normal tonight. If tomorrow is the day for Kal to make her journey to the bridge, then I wish you peace, comfort and strength in the knowledge that she is going to a special place where there will be no more struggle, and although you won't see her, she will always, always be around you. And, if tomorrow is the day, then I wish Kal a speedy journey surrounded by the thoughts of those who love her. Hugs, Trace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shekhina Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 I will be thinking of you both tonight and tomorrow Erny, I hope all our thoughts will give you strength Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oonga Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Erny, i don't know what to say, so i am just sending you and Kal big comforting hugs. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING i can do for you. hugs oonga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staranais Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 You & Kal will be in my thoughts today, Erny. Kal has been so lucky to find an owner who cares for her as much as you do, and who is strong enough to let her go when she needs to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staffyluv Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Big hugs to you and Kal... You two are in my thoughts and heart, especially today... Jodie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tassie Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Thinking of you and feeling with you Erny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malleerr Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Thinking you you both - you are in our prayers and thoughts........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfgirl Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Erny I don't know what to say to you and Kal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bloss344 Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Erny my thoughts are with you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dogbesotted Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Erny, have read your post through tears but with the knowledge that both you and Kal will complete your journey on this earth together at the right time. How can you not ..your love and understanding of your precious girl just shines through in every word you have written. Thinking of you. Hugs H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zayda_asher Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Remember we are all thinking of you... take care and treasure your memories. Lots of love and hugs DanXXOO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muttaburra Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Have been thinking of you Erny and hoping for the best for you and Kal, hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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