Decision To Rehome Or Not?

[DeltaCharlie]

I adopted Charlie almost 5 years ago (at age 2) and can honestly say I have never bonded with him in the same way that I have with all my other dogs. I have actually felt closer to a foster dog I had a few years ago than with him

Do I love him to bits? Of course. Would I give my life for him? Of course. BUT there is definitely something lacking in the connection between us. It isn't through lack of trying or 1:1 time spent together, we just weren't meant to connect on that level I guess.

Sometimes it just happens like that, and your friend has a decision to make. I didn't want to rehome Charlie, instead I chose to work on our bond and do my best to give him the best life I possibly could. He will happily curl up with me on the lounge and loves to be around me, but that doesn't stop me sometimes wishing it was Delta that was the snuggly one. We trial together in flyball and masters level agility so we definitely have some sort of bond for that to happen, but it is one I am constantly working on rather than one that occurs naturally like it does with the others.

[wuffles]

They've done nothing wrong, they haven't abused her, or been mean to her, so they shouldn't feel ashamed. Sometimes things just don't work out, and it's better she finds a forever home that fits her better.

Totally agree with this.

Edit: Just to contradict some of the other posters here who suggest it is a bit of a second dog syndrome, I disagree. I have a MUCH stronger bond with our second dog.

Edited March 5, 2012 by wuffles

[LizT]

People often have different expectations of what they expect a dog to do for them.

My friend has a GAP grehound and she got this beautiful animal because the previous Adoptive parent decided to "send him back" as she felt he didn't return her affection.

Whilst I would be the first to agree that he has a rather aloof personality, he is still a very sweet and loving dog, once you have spent time with him. That I think is the key, at least it is to this fellow, anyway. Spending the time.

If your friend has gotten the second dog just to be a companion for the first. Then that, sadly, was a mistake.

[zeebie]

They need to identify why they feel they are not bonding with the dog.

is it a mismatch in energy levels, personality (eg they wanted a more smoochy dog), expectations etc?

Then they need to decide whether they can and or want to address these issues.

8 months is quite a long time to have a dog living in your house, and not to feel any bond with it.

Why did they choose this particular dog in the first place? They must have liked something about her initially in order to actually adopt her.

It is like having a new baby after an only child for 5 years, you have definately "bonded" and done heaps with child 1, then along comes child 2 and they sort of take a back seat tagging along after number 1. I have an 8yr old dog who is and has been my whole life and I have had to make an incredibly hard decision to now get a new pup who will eventually (about 2yrs time) take over my current dogs working role, I am so confident in my current dog and know his every move, nod of head, look of eye etc, and I am hoping in 2 yrs from now I will have worked sufficiently well with my new puppy that I will have created this same bond I have with my current dog, My first dog will always be that and he is definately the alpha dog in the house, the pup is already learning so much from him and yet I know that she is also learning so much from the way I behave towards my older dog, so personally your friend has to ask the question, should they have got this 2nd dog in first place and what was the valid reason for doing so, was it as a companion for a stay home lonely dog, a playmate? Was it as a impulse? and lastly if they truely want to have 2 dogs in their pack they have to put in the hard yards and find this dogs special qualities.

[cowanbree]

As a breeder I have had a number of dogs and come to realise that sometimes through no fault of either party you just don't click. In the past I have always kept these dogs and they were loved but just not as special to me as some of the other ones but I have now decided if I ever get another it will be rehomed. In both my cases they were lovely dogs that would have fitted in anywhere and it is a shame they weren't given that opportunity to find their special someone.

I

[greytpets]

Four years ago my son dumped his dog on us. It took me a long time to bond with her but she stayed because she was great friends with my other little dog. I did try to rehome her early on but Jack was just so sad that she was gone that when she bounced I knew she was meant to live with us & I started to try to form a connection with her.

Now I do love her & she will live out her life with us but it did take time & work on my part.

If the 2 dogs are great friends I couldn't seperate them after all these months especially as there isn't any issues with her.

[Her Majesty Dogmad]

Why did they pick the dog in the first place or did they perhaps let the kids pick the dog?

Maybe they got the dog for the wrong reasons. I got a second dog (I now have more than that) as a companion to my very gentle IG, every other dog we'd looked at had attacked him. I felt he was lonely so brought her home, she was an older scruffy terrier. I didn't feel a strong bond with her at first but she was an easy little dog, one of the best. When I lost her I was bereft, I'd had her for 7 yrs, she'd welcomed many foster dogs here, she'd been so easy I was guilty of sometimes not appreciating what a treasure I had. If I could bring any of my dogs back, she'd be one of them.

It's very sad for this dog that it isn't appreciated. I agree that they need to put in more effort, instead of just feeling negative about it all they need to try and see what are the good things about the dog (why they picked the dog in the first place - there must have been something right) and work at it.

[westiemum]

I'm in the 'sometimes it just takes a bit longer' camp and think people should persevere...

When my third westie stayed (foster failure), I was really fond of him but I was really aware that I didn't feel the passion for him that I did for my older two westies who I absolutely adored. But a rehome was never an option and to be honest it never occurred to me. It just took longer with Andy - about 18 months I think to get to the point where I absolutely adore the little rascal - he's my divine little ratbag who I now wouldnt give up for the world. But it did take a while...

I also agree with Jed - its was the humans original choice to get the dog and its the human responsibility to try every avenue humanly possible to make it work... so I recommend to give it more time and spend as much time with the dog... :)

[♪♫LMBC♫♪]

Sometimes, for whatever reason, you just don't bond with one dog as well as another. It happens. My dog was definitely mine from the first day he came home. I love him to bits. I have moved in with my boyfriend now and he has two dogs already. I have known these dogs for years, since they were pups, but since they were never 'mine' I never bonded to them. Now that I see them every day, play with them, spend time with them, I feel more bonded to them so maybe that's what this family needs to do.

But even though I feel more bonded to my boyfriend's dogs now that I did before, I am still a lot more keen on one of them than the other. One is always happy to see me, the other coulnd't care less. One gets sooky if he's not getting enough attention, the other couldn't care less :p you get the idea. She's very independent and that doesn't appeal to me much in a dog.

But just because you don't have the same close bond with one dog as you do with another, doesn't mean that you should rehome. I assume they like the dog, even if they haven't bonded as much. The dog is being looked after and is happy, so what's the problem, really?

[darlingdog]

Tell her she is the human, the dog is the dog. The human made the choice to take the dog, not the other way around.

The human is the one who makes the calls, not the dog. It is up to the human to make an effort to bond with the dog. The human must show affection and like for the dog, and allow the dog to return that.

This is done by speaking to the dog, stroking the dog, playing with the dog, grooming the dog, training the dog - even if it is just teaching the dog to shake hands whilst watching TV.

I presume the dog is inside? So the dog should be in the area with the human as much as possible.

The human is responsible for bonding. The dog may have a few issues about being rehomed/dumped the first time, and may be missing its first family

If they throw this dog away, it will have even more problems in the future than it has now ... if it actually does have problems now.

A dog is for life, not just for christmas or until the someone gets sick of it.

It hasn't bonded because they haven't tried hard enough.If they didn't like the dog, they should have left it wherever they got it from, so someone who would like it could take it. If they did like it, now they have to make the effort to bond.

Jed...here here :cheer:

[mumsy]

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about and I will show her this forum.I think one of the problems is dog 2 is very needy. If she is sleeping near you and you get up she bounds up and follows you. She is very licky and they have worked alot on that. She has the lovliest nature but is a bit of an airhead which I think they are probably struggling a bit with. Maybe just some better training could solve those problems. They got the dog to keep their dog company but very much also because they wanted a second dog. They do like this dog and as I have said, it is well cared for I think she is just worried cause they don't feel that devotion.

[Dame Aussie]

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about and I will show her this forum.I think one of the problems is dog 2 is very needy. If she is sleeping near you and you get up she bounds up and follows you. She is very licky and they have worked alot on that. She has the lovliest nature but is a bit of an airhead which I think they are probably struggling a bit with. Maybe just some better training could solve those problems. They got the dog to keep their dog company but

very much also because they wanted a second dog. They do like this dog and as I have said, it is well cared for I think she is just worried cause they don't feel that devotion.

So she follows and licks them? I think if that's their only issue they need to thank their lucky stars.

You say she's an airhead, to me it sounds like they just

don't like her as much as the first dog and they're better off rehoming her. Poor girl just wants to be with them.

[JulesP]

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about and I will show her this forum.I think one of the problems is dog 2 is very needy. If she is sleeping near you and you get up she bounds up and follows you. She is very licky and they have worked alot on that. She has the lovliest nature but is a bit of an airhead which I think they are probably struggling a bit with. Maybe just some better training could solve those problems. They got the dog to keep their dog company but

very much also because they wanted a second dog. They do like this dog and as I have said, it is well cared for I think she is just worried cause they don't feel that devotion.

So she follows and licks them? I think if that's their only issue they need to thank their lucky stars.

You say she's an airhead, to me it sounds like they just

don't like her as much as the first dog and they're better off rehoming her. Poor girl just wants to be with them.

Yep

[shmoo]

8 months is quite a long time to have a dog living in your house, and not to feel any bond with it.

I don't think so at all. My 3rd dog took me well over a year to bond with. I realised I was not spending enough one on one time with her and so spent some time doing walking, playing, taking her to work etc and slowly the bond increased and now 6 years later the bond is as strong as it is with my first dog (the 2nd dog is no longer with me). Never once though did I think about rehoming her. I made the decision to take her in for life.

[sas]

I was recently at a friends house. We have both recently adopted a second dog. My girlfriend started quizzing me about how well we had bonded with our newest dog. To make a long story short, she is having second thoughts. They are lovely people and have provided equally for both of their dogs. No one in the family has made a connection with the newest dog, which they have had for about 8 months. She is a lovely dog but they aren't feeling much connection emotionally with her, if that makes sense.

They are wondering if

A - It would be fair on either dog to rehome the newest dog. or

B - If there is something else they can do to feel differently or

C - If it is fair to the newest dog to find him a home where he will be loved a bit more.

I have been thinking alot about what she said to me and I just didn't really have any great advice.

Any thoughts?

Playing with a dog can help create the bond, as well as training. If all this has been accounted for then, I personaly believe they should feel no guilt about thinking of rehoming.

Sometimes some Dogs and some humans just don't bond as much as they really want to.

I'm sure they'll be a home where an emotional boond will occur.

[sas]

8 months is quite a long time to have a dog living in your house, and not to feel any bond with it.

I don't think so at all. My 3rd dog took me well over a year to bond with. I realised I was not spending enough one on one time with her and so spent some time doing walking, playing, taking her to work etc and slowly the bond increased and now 6 years later the bond is as strong as it is with my first dog (the 2nd dog is no longer with me). Never once though did I think about rehoming her. I made the decision to take her in for life.

Too true, there are plenty of people that it takes a long time to form the bond and sometimes it does not come at all.

I personaly believe it is nieve to believe that you will bond instantly with every dog (even though you may want to_ - just like people we don't always gell well and it's no ones fault.

[Animal House]

I was recently at a friends house. We have both recently adopted a second dog. My girlfriend started quizzing me about how well we had bonded with our newest dog. To make a long story short, she is having second thoughts. They are lovely people and have provided equally for both of their dogs. No one in the family has made a connection with the newest dog, which they have had for about 8 months. She is a lovely dog but they aren't feeling much connection emotionally with her, if that makes sense.

They are wondering if

A - It would be fair on either dog to rehome the newest dog. or

B - If there is something else they can do to feel differently or

C - If it is fair to the newest dog to find him a home where he will be loved a bit more.

I have been thinking alot about what she said to me and I just didn't really have any great advice.

Any thoughts?

Playing with a dog can help create the bond, as well as training. If all this has been accounted for then, I personaly believe they should feel no guilt about thinking of rehoming.

Sometimes some Dogs and some humans just don't bond as much as they really want to.

I'm sure they'll be a home where an emotional boond will occur.

This, plenty of dogs are rehomed happily, and some for much less reasons (breeders and show people come to mind)

[sas]

People do get a bit funny about other people rehoming like how dare they but you know what, if the dog isn't bonded in that home then you could be doing the dog dis-service by keeping in that home.

[megan_]

I can't understand why people use language like "throw the dog away". The OP never suggested that her friend would do this. It is easy to say that a dog is for life, but sometimes an owner doesn't have the skills to deal with the dog's issues and someone else might - why deny the dog the right owner just so that you can feel like a martyr?

[persephone]

;) Dogs can certainly be 'for life' but it may not be with the first, or second owner!

if this dog is not of a type/temperament the owners will/can bond strongly with, then rehoming sounds a good outcome for them. For the dog left behind though..not so good.